So. Single me is up to mischief again.
Last weekend I had to come home to my parents place in the big city to dog-sit for a night. Now I am not one to just sit around willy-nilly and let an empty house go to waste. So after considering who to invite over I decided on a former hook-up who I had been lately exchanging some sexually sugges-texts with, Brad. Brad and I had a couple one night affairs last spring when I was a fucking mess over my Luke heartbreak. Needless to say I was hopelessly hammered both times. From what I remembered he was a good time, and I love that he can keep up with my racy humor without flinching.
So Friday comes along and I'm having some wine with my dogs to calm my nerves before he arrives. I managed to get quite tipsy, although I don't think he noticed one bit. Now Brad upon first appearance is your A-typical 'bro'. He's blonde, buff, well off, and thinks quite highly of himself. Usually I wouldn't actually bother with these kind of guys except for a one night only bar hook up, but Brad is one of those boys who was super awkward and kinda chubby until the age of about 17. I find that those boys who only get good looking later in life usually have some semblance of a good personality somewhere in them. With Brad this is fairly true. He's a nice guy for the most part. Egoistic and a bit of an ass, but in a way that I find funny to fuck around with. Just can't take these ones too seriously.
Anyways, he brought a bottle of cab-sauv for us, so we sat in my kitchen catching up and chatting for a couple hours while we finished the wine. This was actually really fun and I was happy that there wasn't any awkwardness. Unfortunately that was the best part of my night. After the wine was done conversation kinda died out a bit and it was clear that the time had come to, 'shit or get off the pot,' if you want to put it in classy terms.
Upstairs to my room we went, and everything started well. He's a pretty good kisser, strongstrongstrong and a fabbbbby body. Then things began to take a turn for the worse. The moment of truth came to take off the navy blue briefs and check out what he's packin.
His penis looked like a boomerang.
Okay maybe a bit harsh... but there was a definite and obvious bend. The disappointment did not stop there though, it was also not very long and was skinny. I'm sorry boys, but if you have a skinny dick... I duno what to do for ya. I would take short and stocky over long and skinny any day (just me?). Matters only got worse from there my friends. I don't know how you can get to be 24 and a good looking guy and still suck as bad as he did in bed. When he was on top it was missionary nothing more. I was fakin the noises and just tryinnng to enjoy it but ugh. I spent the time he was on top staring at the ceiling thinking, "how the hell did I not remember it being this bad???"
But wait! There's more,
When he decided he'd put in enough work he'd just roll off, look at me and say, "you want to take a turn on top?", and like maybe if he'd only pulled that stunt once I wouldn't mind... but this happened at least 4 times. Verbatim. I worked my ass off on top, my legs hurt for days. And it wasn't even good! When I was on top at one point he looks at me deadpan and says, "I'm gonna cum." I was like, "... yea?" in my sexy voice trying to salvage the situation. "yea," he says. and then kinda lifts me up and I roll over onto the bed next to him thinking, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME" Like the boy makes no noises or signs of enjoyment the whole time and then, "I'm gonna cum," like he's rsvp-ing to a party for fucksake.
The real kicker to this whole story though? In the course of our fucking my bed moved like 5 feet from the wall and my lamp fell off my desk and nearly broke. I would have been so upset if it had broken. You only want stuff like that to happen when you can go home to your friends and brag, "we fucked the bed into the middle of the room and broke a lamp," not, "I spent most of the time on top and worked so hard that I almost broke my lamp which would've sucked when I would have had to try to explain it to my parents when they got home..."
Of course I think Brad was quite pleased with himself when he saw the damage done to my room.
So he slept over and the next morning I kicked him out ASAP and vowed to avoid that from happening again at all costs.
Lesson learned: don't drink, fuck and repeat sober.
Today's title brought to you by: Not Fair - Lily Allen
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