Bandz a make her dance

Gave up on this blog for almost two years...... Well I’m back at it biatches! Actually I’ve been at it this whole time, but I’ve neglected to write it down. It’s really a shame because there have been some epic tales to be told. To make up for it, conjoined with my renewed goal to keep up with writing, I am hoping to relate some of them here. Don’t expect any kind of relation between tales or chronological order. Not much different from past posts... hah.

Okay lets go!


An important discovery I have made on my destructive party path was that the best, most wild and crazy nights always happen unexpectedly. One minute you’re in your sweatpants, no hope of drinking or meeting a boy, the next you’re in heels dancing back stage at a concert. It was on a night like this that Kaitlyn and I decided to get dressed up nice and go out for a dinner, curtesy of a gift card I had received for my birthday. We put on some sophisticated-yet-sexy outfits and headed out. The restaurant wasn’t busy despite it being Friday night, but we weren’t concerned. A bottle of wine and a couple appetizers was all we had signed up for. Home before midnight. I even wore out my Jeffery Cambell, beautiful, 4 inch heels. Standing at 5’”11 ft tall, if that doesn’t say, ‘there is no way in hell I’m dancing, let alone standing in these past 11pm,’ then nothing does.

After our little date I managed to convince Kaitlyn to go for a gin and tonic at one of her favorite spots in the city: the Thompson Hotel. It’s a gorgeous modern styled hotel with a beautiful lounge bar that the young, rich and beautiful go to mingle. While we like to think of ourselves as young and beautiful, there is no lying to ourselves about being broke as fuck. We didn’t look out of place, but dropping 16 bucks on two drinks made us feel a little out of our league.

We chatted about other people at the bar, scoping everyone out and guessing little stories about them. Two girls were going tits out for drinks across the bar and they became a topic of conversation for some time. They were dressed up in dresses with bare legs in 2 degree weather, cleavage all but bursting from their silky constraints. It wasn’t all for naught though, they had a group of about four men around them who seemed more than happy to throw twenty dollar bills at the bartender in the name of boobs. Okay, it might seem like I’m painting these girls in a negative light, but in all honesty, my and Kaitlyn’s conversation about them was mostly giving them props. I can respect a girl who goes to bars and wheels drinks out of the men who would ogle them anyways.

While we stood bar-side, our friend Caleb called us and asked what we were up to for the night. Well we tried to resist, but not only did he and his friends agree to pay for our cover to the bar they were headed to, but also agreed to buy us a couple drinks. At this point Kaitlyn’s feeling pretty good and I never pass up an opportunity for free drinks, so we agreed to meet them there.

Kaitlyn and I arrived before the group and went up to grab a drink. What Caleb had told us was that we were in for a night of heavy dubstep, which was something we used to be into, and I could have gotten excited about if not for the totally inappropriate dancing shoes. It was the night after halloween, so when we arrived the girl at the door was dressed up like Nicki Minaj. There was a group of about ten people along one end of the bar and no one else. This will probably come off the wrong way but it isn’t intended to have any kind of implication. Everybody there was black. Kaitlyn, being milatto, made us seem a bit less out of place but I felt a bit like her white girl accessory. As the bar filled up and our friends came to join us we started to realize that this was, in fact, not dubstep night.

The music was all rap and r&b, which Kaitlyn and I were actually thrilled about. One important thing to mention is; a small circular stage, featuring a tall pole protruding from the center, in the middle of the dance floor. I have an affinity for pole dancing... may have been a stripper in a past life. In keeping with the theme of this blog, I am pretty shameless when put in the same room as alcohol and a pole. As I considered the potential reception from the group of people I was with, the MC announced that there would be a $500 prize for the best girl to dance alone on the pole. That was enough to tip the scales for me. When I had my chance I climbed up on stage and got to work. Winding and grinding and attempting to flip my hair like a pro, as god knows what song blared through the speakers. There was a lot of ass-grabbing and slapping and soon enough the crowd began to chant, “Go white girl! Go white girl!”. I shit you not. Part of me wishes I could see the video of it that definitely was filmed. The other part of me hopes to never see any part of that.

Kaitlyn’s badass moment of the night came when she nutted up and got on stage herself, if only for a minute. I guess that the general male population had seen her around the bar, and when she finally got on stage everyone began cheering and clapping loudly. It was a good fucking night. Ended up smoking bowls and listening to music till the early hours of the morn.

Pricks, Dicks and Douchebags

They’re all all fucking assholecuntfacedmutherfuckingdouchebages.

I mean it. I have not met a man since fucking motherfucking Luke left me that was worthy of ten minutes of my time. That is a slight exaggeration but seriously SLIGHT. I directly referred to one on my last blog but now its all just a fucking shit show they’re all assholes I fucking can’t even deal with it at all.

Either they want to fuck you for no reason
or
they won’t just fuck you for no reason.

By that I mean that you can only JUST fuck assholes and then you feel like shit and then all the other ones want some serious relationship crap. I’m sorry but im fucking 21. Is it so FUCKING ridiculous that I just want someone to bang who I can feel like I wasn’t  just completely used by??? Apparently it is. FYI, don’t fucking bother.

The best part? Maybe, depending on how careful you are about your friends, about 75% of them will ditch you for cock.
I try to have a fucking night out with Kaitlyn, I end up twiddling my thumbs alone as I contemplate the fact that my potential fuck buddy turned into a fucking stalker.
I’m not exaggerating.

He’s seriously shown up at my front door unannounced 3 times. I’ve known him for a little more than a month. He sends me these fucking love letters, then when I realize OBVIOUSLY (stupidstupidstupid me) that he can’t fucking carry on a casual relationship, I break it off.

What does the mutherfucker do???

HE STALKS THE SHIT OUTTA ME

Then to top his MADNESS off he fucking messages Kaitlyn as some kind of IDONTEVENKNOW last ditch effort to like vent or make moves on her or contact me. I don’t know!!!! He sends her a HUGE essay long message describing what a neurotic bitch I am and then proceeds to write me a 4 page word doc that apologizes for all the shit he just told Kaitlyn he blames me for. Now he expects me to forgive him and to see him again! WHAT THE FUCK

Men are women.
Women are men.

Give me a second, I need to get my story straight, my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State

Where to start.....
Well tomorrow’s my very favorite day of the year! St. patties day muthafuckaaas. It’s spring time, the weather is sweet, I get to dress up and get shitfaced all day and all night? Yes, that is perfection.
Not an alcoholic I swear.
Ignore the wine in my hand currently.

Anywayz I will be attending (hopefully) two keggers tomorrow. Although it really is hard to say what drunk me will decide to do with sober me’s plans. This first of these keggers is hosted by my rez roommate, Jen, who lives with our other first year friend, Sam, and their house of people. A couple weeks ago a bunch of us went out and were predrinking at this house and there was a very cute boy there named Brandon. Total typical hipster kid. Button up shirt buttoned up all the way up to and including the collar. No tie. Chuck Taylors. Just my type really. Anyway him and his buddy went out to the bar before us but I made a, note-to-self, to find him at the bar and chat him up.

Present at the bar that night:

Justin: I mentioned him a few posts ago, a hot (hipster) kid with an owl tatt. The night I was writing about him we were going out with him and I was hoping that it would go somewhere. It did. He came back and slept over and we had some great sex. I got to pet the owl if ya know what I’m sayin’.... Anyways this freakshow of a kid talks to me on and off for a while, ends up sleeping over another time but nothing happened as it was aunt flow’s monthly visit. Then about a week later he takes me out on a date. Where do we go you ask? Well it was the utmost of high class society, and I just swooned:
Swiss Chalet.
I fuck you not. Kid takes me out to wine and dine me at Swiss Chalet. I duno if he’s trying to keep it ambiguous as maybe just friends or what, but needless to say I was pretty confused. Anyways the date that night went decently and I was looking forward to a follow up.
Haven’t heard from him since.
This night at the bar was my first time seeing him in weeks.

Darik: Yet another good hipster boy. We hooked up a couple times in January. After the second time it came up in conversation that I wasn’t on the pill, but we had been using condoms, so whatever I figure, no harm, no foul. I get a text the Tuesday after a weekend we had hooked up:

“Hey, I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I just don’t think it’s a good idea for us to keep hooking up since you’re not on birth control.”
Uhh... kay? I said something along the lines of, sounds good, take care. But honestly? Is a condom not birth control? Fucking men. Can’t wait until there’s a daily pill for them to fuckin take.

Steve: Him and I hit it off at the bar one night and I gave him my number. We sent several days worth of flirty texts back and forth till he asked me out for coffee. I said sure. This was in December. By this night at the bar (February), though we had talked occasionally, he never set anything up. I figured, ehh whatever, he doesn’t want to go for coffee, that’s fine with me.

So by the time we all get into the bar I’m quite hammered. Thank. God.
I realize the situation that I am now in and laugh maniacally to myself. The night went something as follows:
- danced
- said hi to Justin, he gave me the worlds fastest hug and dashed off, never to be seen or heard from again
- said hi to Darik... we don’t go any further than that. this night or ever.
- exchanged a small conversation with Steve
- found Brandon and proceed to have extensive conversation with him about music and life
- find myself making out with Brandon about 5 feet away from Steve

After all this a bunch of us are on our way out and I am good and ready to take Brandon home with me. As soon as we leave the bar one of Brandon’s friends starts yelling at these girls, calling them all sorts of awful things, cunts, cows, telling them, its no wonder they don’t have any guys with them, etc.
So the girls turn to me and my girlfriend, Sam, and are like, ‘what the fuck is wrong with your friend?’. We both pretty much tell her we have no idea what the kid's problem is and she can have at’em.

So picture two scantily clad drunk girls trying to attack some skinny ass white douchebag kid while they’re all screaming obscenities at each other. LOL right? Jeezuz. When the madness ends I’m with Sam, Brandon, and one of Brandon’s friends. I’m upset and giving Brandon the cold shoulder in the cab because I do not understand how he could be friends and have defended such a douche as the kid aforementioned. He spends the whollllle cab ride back trying to make up for it. When we get back to Sam’s house, I do not remember how it happened, but her and Brandon end up having a heart to heart in the downstairs living room. I sneak onto the stairs and eavesdrop and Brandon is essentially spilling how he doesn’t like the douchebag kid, but they’ve been friends since diapers and he had to stick up for him so he didn’t get into trouble.
I’m sympathetic and eventually when they come back up I’m all smiles with Brandon. Nothing else happened between us that night, probably because of a combo of reasons. Namely the fact that he was too scared to make the first move, and I passed out on a couch.

So that whollllle big story was leading up to one very easily told fact: Brandon’s going to the kegger tomorrow. There’s a whole bunch of people going to this kegger and many of them might be cute, so I’m not banking on a follow up, but it’s nice to know that the option might be available. At very least will give me something to have fun with. 8 > (evil smile?)

That’s my story for today.

p.s Steve texted me the Monday after the weekend previously described and said, ‘heyyy, what’s up? I’ve missed talking to you!”

Fucking men.
Only want you when they can't have you.


Today's title brought to you by: We are Young - Fun. ft Janelle Monae

Tell me all the things you want to do, I heard you like the bad girls, honey, is that true?

Hey world, 
been a while, but now I’ve got two hours to write (or do school work... but really?). Why do I have this allotted 2 hours, you ask? Well friends, I am currently on my way to visit a boy. I don’t know if I’ve written about this boy (pretty sure not but I do not have internet connection on the greyhound so I don’t know), his name for all intensive purposes is Jake. So Jake and I met about a year ago at a baseball home opener game. He’s friends with my friends; from Kaitlyn’s highschool party group.
He’s got dark hair and ear plugs, is your typical stoner-punk kid. Loves anarchy and everything hockey. He’s smart but not terribly interested in academics, and he can be awfully quiet. The night we met I was on some sort of upper and drunk, he saddled up next to me at our table at a bar after the game and started chatting me up. Needless to say I do not remember what about, but I do remember that it happened. The thing at that time was that there is another girl, one of Kaitlyn’s best friends, who had been hook up buddies with Jake for a while and is/was(?) quite into him. I guess she saw us talking and she decides that it would make it sufficiently awkward enough for me to walk away if she came over and sat on Jake’s lap. Success! I went to find my friends and didn’t think about it again.
Until this November I see get a fbitch update; ‘Jake likes your photo’. I was like... who?? I had completely forgotten about him. A week or so later he starts talking to me on facebook chat and as I’m really trying to remember if I know him I decide, fuck it, may as well just ask. Hah! Hopefully it didn’t bruise his ego too hard. Anyway he reminded me and the above story is all I recollect of him from the first time we met. The reason he decided to talk to me again was because he noticed I was coming to a new years party at his place.
On new years I didn’t really talk to him much of the night, he was faded and drunk as fuck and just not very talkative, so I was like, meh whatever. As the night’s coming to a close the spaces available for sleeping are noticiably limited. One of my friends ended up awkwardly curling up in an armchair. I’ve been told that someone threw a coat over her and she passed out. Several hours later when she woke up to the folks who decided sleep is for the dead, they were all very startled that a pile of jackets was moving. Hah. Anyways, to avoid suffering a similar fate I decided to accept Jake’s invite to join him.

Great. Sex.

So we had fun that night, but really didn’t spend that much time together. We exchange numbers, we text, and about a week later he comes to visit me and Ness and Kaitlyn. We had a fun night out and had an even better morning in.
** There was a brief cameo from Luke being in the booth beside us. I wouldn’t have noticed but drunk Kaitlyn and Ness were coming back from the bathroom and then all of a sudden a look of horror crosses their faces and Kaitlyn runs to the booth and body slams me to the other side of it. I’m thinking, okay clearly you have seen someone you didn’t want to. I look around and lock eyes with Luke for about half a second. Barely kept it together for 15 minutes before I made it to the bathroom to have a nice sob... sigh **

Since then he’s pretty much kept up with texting me every day (much to my surprise). So we’ve been trying to set up another chance to see each other, but our towns aren’t easy to get between without a car. We were waiting for our mutual friend group to come together which happens maybe twice every 6 months or so and his side was due for a visit.
Irony, irony, irony. The night Jake goes home to visit his family his roommates drive up to visit us. So that visit didn’t really work out. This week it’s a couple of our friends birthdays and they’re having a big celebration out in Jakes town. Originally we were all supposed to go, but it is the middle of midterms and Ness (the driver) couldn’t afford to take the time off studying.

That brings me to here. Sitting on a greyhound writing on my internet-challenged laptop. I must say folks, I’m super nervous. I was hoping that the next time I saw Jake would be with the comfort of my friends around me. Nope. Am now going to a party with a bunch of people, half of whom I don’t know, the other half of whom I’ve never hung out with without my roomies, and Jake. I’m kinda freaked out ‘cause obviously everyone is going to know exactly why I came down. Would naaat be this generous for our friends’ birthdays. As much as I do love them, not this much. Anyways I’m pretty freaked that it’s gonna be super awkward, but what cha gonna do?

I sent A a text about the situation and in the wise words of a best friend she pretty much told me, it is what you make it. Too true. I just gotta walk up in there with my confidence shining and charm them all out of any awkward, we-all-know-youre-just-here-to-hook-up-with-Jake...ness. Oh yea, also it’s a theme party, snow bunny type thing, snow pants, goggles, boarding jacket... you get the idea. Yea so they didn’t decide that until I was already en route. So yayy not only do I already stand out as the girl who came 5 hours for a booty call without her friends, but also I will be the girl in a lace bodysuit and jeans while everyone else is rocking double layer snow gear. Ohmylife.

Anyway, I hope that you could guess I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it was worth it. Jake’s cute, sweet, smart, and great in bed. I’m actually wondering where this is going, meaning it does have potential for more than just sex. So if you’re like, whyohwhy are you putting yourself through that, here’s the reason:

Me: bus driver’s a nut bag and the bus smells...but hey, I’m en route!

Jake: Lol yup most are, and awesome :) that’s the best news all week

:)

p.s just another tidbit to sweeten the whole thing, one of Jake’s roommates is a close friend of the group, who I’ve known for years. He’s a sweet guy, but a little(lot) over weight, likes to think of himself as a skilled free-style rapper... he also likes to think that I have been dying to let him get in my pants for the last few years. And he doesn’t know about me and Jake...yeaaap. I’ll let cha know how it all pans out!




This week's title brought to you by: Video Games - Lana Del Rey

and all the peoples should be raisin they glasses, flow crazy, celebratin the madness

So friends this is going to be a short post as I am currently chugging beer, waiting for Kaitlyn to get home so we can go out and rage.
Rage on a Monday night? After a grand total of 10 hours of sleep this weekend and rip roarin hangovers both Saturday and Sunday?
Well, you know what they say, when opportunity comes a knockin' you open the door up and make that bitch chug a brew.
Then you see what it wants to do tonight.

Opportunity tonight came in the form of a boy who I have mad hots for, Justin. He's got a shmexy ass owl tatty on his chest. I have a slight obsession with owls. Also he's a SICK dj. We've been friendly texting a little bit lately, mostly on my part. I didn't really actually think he was interested till he invited me to an afterparty a couple nights ago, but I was already home and blazing so I didn't make it over. Tonight he texts me at 8 asking if I'm busy tonight. Now in reality I had a date planned with Ryan, who I've mentioned in an earlier post, but honestly Ryan is awesome, but not that cute, super shy, and I'm not that into it. We were supposed to go for sushi but turned out he had to work till 8 and right before he got off I got the text from Justin. Soooo I bailed on Ryan, but we're gonna chill tomorrow.

So tonight I am off to a free show, Bassjackers are playing. If anyone else out there loves on electronic music gimme a hell yeaaaa. hellllll yeeeeee. hah sorry Im partially drunk right now. YAY LIGHTWEIGHT! So I'm so fucking pumped for my body to be bass rocked and to get some alone time with that owl. In all hopes I'll write soon about how stellar tonight is.

Lately I have actually had so many adventures and boys lately worth mentioning, but have not had time to write since I've been too busy having the adventures with boys! Hah. Not in a slutty way.... kinda. Anyways I have every intention of writing again soon and telling some shameless stories! <3


Today's title brought to you by: Mind Your Manners - Chiddy Bang

There's just one thing that's gettin in the way, when we go up to bed you're just no good it's such a shame

So. Single me is up to mischief again.
Last weekend I had to come home to my parents place in the big city to dog-sit for a night. Now I am not one to just sit around willy-nilly and let an empty house go to waste. So after considering who to invite over I decided on a former hook-up who I had been lately exchanging some sexually sugges-texts with, Brad. Brad and I had a couple one night affairs last spring when I was a fucking mess over my Luke heartbreak. Needless to say I was hopelessly hammered both times. From what I remembered he was a good time, and I love that he can keep up with my racy humor without flinching.
So Friday comes along and I'm having some wine with my dogs to calm my nerves before he arrives. I managed to get quite tipsy, although I don't think he noticed one bit. Now Brad upon first appearance is your A-typical 'bro'. He's blonde, buff, well off, and thinks quite highly of himself. Usually I wouldn't actually bother with these kind of guys except for a one night only bar hook up, but Brad is one of those boys who was super awkward and kinda chubby until the age of about 17. I find that those boys who only get good looking later in life usually have some semblance of a good personality somewhere in them. With Brad this is fairly true. He's a nice guy for the most part. Egoistic and a bit of an ass, but in a way that I find funny to fuck around with. Just can't take these ones too seriously.
Anyways, he brought a bottle of cab-sauv for us, so we sat in my kitchen catching up and chatting for a couple hours while we finished the wine. This was actually really fun and I was happy that there wasn't any awkwardness. Unfortunately that was the best part of my night. After the wine was done conversation kinda died out a bit and it was clear that the time had come to, 'shit or get off the pot,' if you want to put it in classy terms.
Upstairs to my room we went, and everything started well. He's a pretty good kisser, strongstrongstrong and a fabbbbby body. Then things began to take a turn for the worse. The moment of truth came to take off the navy blue briefs and check out what he's packin.
His penis looked like a boomerang.
Okay maybe a bit harsh... but there was a definite and obvious bend. The disappointment did not stop there though, it was also not very long and was skinny. I'm sorry boys, but if you have a skinny dick... I duno what to do for ya. I would take short and stocky over long and skinny any day (just me?). Matters only got worse from there my friends. I don't know how you can get to be 24 and a good looking guy and still suck as bad as he did in bed. When he was on top it was missionary nothing more. I was fakin the noises and just tryinnng to enjoy it but ugh. I spent the time he was on top staring at the ceiling thinking, "how the hell did I not remember it being this bad???"
But wait! There's more,
When he decided he'd put in enough work he'd just roll off, look at me and say, "you want to take a turn on top?", and like maybe if he'd only pulled that stunt once I wouldn't mind... but this happened at least 4 times. Verbatim. I worked my ass off on top, my legs hurt for days. And it wasn't even good! When I was on top at one point he looks at me deadpan and says, "I'm gonna cum." I was like, "...  yea?" in my sexy voice trying to salvage the situation. "yea," he says. and then kinda lifts me up and I roll over onto the bed next to him thinking, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME" Like the boy makes no noises or signs of enjoyment the whole time and then, "I'm gonna cum," like he's rsvp-ing to a party for fucksake.
The real kicker to this whole story though? In the course of our fucking my bed moved like 5 feet from the wall and my lamp fell off my desk and nearly broke. I would have been so upset if it had broken. You only want stuff like that to happen when you can go home to your friends and brag, "we fucked the bed into the middle of the room and broke a lamp," not, "I spent most of the time on top and worked so hard that I almost broke my lamp which would've sucked when I would have had to try to explain it to my parents when they got home..."
Of course I think Brad was quite pleased with himself when he saw the damage done to my room.

So he slept over and the next morning I kicked him out ASAP and vowed to avoid that from happening again at all costs.
Lesson learned: don't drink, fuck and repeat sober.



Today's title brought to you by: Not Fair - Lily Allen

Dice Game

I have realized that I totally forgot to add the drinking game I mentioned at the end of my last post. It's oh-so-creatively called the dice game because... it involves dice! Ohmygawsh I know who woulda thunk. But seriously this game doesn't need a name because you'd get too fucked up to remember it anyways. Here it is:

1. Have 2 die
2. Have 2 cups a person, one for drinking and one with a refill
3. First person rolls
4. If they do not roll doubles or a combined total of 7 the next person rolls
OR
4. If doubles or a 7 is rolled the roller gets to choose someone in the group to drink
5. As soon as the drinker touches their cup the roller begins rolling the dice again
6. If the roller rolls a combined total of 7 or doubles the drinker has to stop drinking and refill their cup
7. Continue steps 5 & 6 until the drinker finishes their drink before the roller rolls 7 or doubles
8. Pass the dice to the next person

Extras
--> the dice roller cannot touch the dice after they have rolled doubles or 7 until the drinker touches their cup
--> if you have a big enough group once the game really gets going, chances are the roller will get caught up in a conversation at some point, if you are the drinker, take advantage of this!

WARNING
gets you super fucked up super fast
do not be a dumbass and try to operate a vehicle after playing the dice game.

ENJOY!