Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Pricks, Dicks and Douchebags

They’re all all fucking assholecuntfacedmutherfuckingdouchebages.

I mean it. I have not met a man since fucking motherfucking Luke left me that was worthy of ten minutes of my time. That is a slight exaggeration but seriously SLIGHT. I directly referred to one on my last blog but now its all just a fucking shit show they’re all assholes I fucking can’t even deal with it at all.

Either they want to fuck you for no reason
or
they won’t just fuck you for no reason.

By that I mean that you can only JUST fuck assholes and then you feel like shit and then all the other ones want some serious relationship crap. I’m sorry but im fucking 21. Is it so FUCKING ridiculous that I just want someone to bang who I can feel like I wasn’t  just completely used by??? Apparently it is. FYI, don’t fucking bother.

The best part? Maybe, depending on how careful you are about your friends, about 75% of them will ditch you for cock.
I try to have a fucking night out with Kaitlyn, I end up twiddling my thumbs alone as I contemplate the fact that my potential fuck buddy turned into a fucking stalker.
I’m not exaggerating.

He’s seriously shown up at my front door unannounced 3 times. I’ve known him for a little more than a month. He sends me these fucking love letters, then when I realize OBVIOUSLY (stupidstupidstupid me) that he can’t fucking carry on a casual relationship, I break it off.

What does the mutherfucker do???

HE STALKS THE SHIT OUTTA ME

Then to top his MADNESS off he fucking messages Kaitlyn as some kind of IDONTEVENKNOW last ditch effort to like vent or make moves on her or contact me. I don’t know!!!! He sends her a HUGE essay long message describing what a neurotic bitch I am and then proceeds to write me a 4 page word doc that apologizes for all the shit he just told Kaitlyn he blames me for. Now he expects me to forgive him and to see him again! WHAT THE FUCK

Men are women.
Women are men.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Give me a second, I need to get my story straight, my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State

Where to start.....
Well tomorrow’s my very favorite day of the year! St. patties day muthafuckaaas. It’s spring time, the weather is sweet, I get to dress up and get shitfaced all day and all night? Yes, that is perfection.
Not an alcoholic I swear.
Ignore the wine in my hand currently.

Anywayz I will be attending (hopefully) two keggers tomorrow. Although it really is hard to say what drunk me will decide to do with sober me’s plans. This first of these keggers is hosted by my rez roommate, Jen, who lives with our other first year friend, Sam, and their house of people. A couple weeks ago a bunch of us went out and were predrinking at this house and there was a very cute boy there named Brandon. Total typical hipster kid. Button up shirt buttoned up all the way up to and including the collar. No tie. Chuck Taylors. Just my type really. Anyway him and his buddy went out to the bar before us but I made a, note-to-self, to find him at the bar and chat him up.

Present at the bar that night:

Justin: I mentioned him a few posts ago, a hot (hipster) kid with an owl tatt. The night I was writing about him we were going out with him and I was hoping that it would go somewhere. It did. He came back and slept over and we had some great sex. I got to pet the owl if ya know what I’m sayin’.... Anyways this freakshow of a kid talks to me on and off for a while, ends up sleeping over another time but nothing happened as it was aunt flow’s monthly visit. Then about a week later he takes me out on a date. Where do we go you ask? Well it was the utmost of high class society, and I just swooned:
Swiss Chalet.
I fuck you not. Kid takes me out to wine and dine me at Swiss Chalet. I duno if he’s trying to keep it ambiguous as maybe just friends or what, but needless to say I was pretty confused. Anyways the date that night went decently and I was looking forward to a follow up.
Haven’t heard from him since.
This night at the bar was my first time seeing him in weeks.

Darik: Yet another good hipster boy. We hooked up a couple times in January. After the second time it came up in conversation that I wasn’t on the pill, but we had been using condoms, so whatever I figure, no harm, no foul. I get a text the Tuesday after a weekend we had hooked up:

“Hey, I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I just don’t think it’s a good idea for us to keep hooking up since you’re not on birth control.”
Uhh... kay? I said something along the lines of, sounds good, take care. But honestly? Is a condom not birth control? Fucking men. Can’t wait until there’s a daily pill for them to fuckin take.

Steve: Him and I hit it off at the bar one night and I gave him my number. We sent several days worth of flirty texts back and forth till he asked me out for coffee. I said sure. This was in December. By this night at the bar (February), though we had talked occasionally, he never set anything up. I figured, ehh whatever, he doesn’t want to go for coffee, that’s fine with me.

So by the time we all get into the bar I’m quite hammered. Thank. God.
I realize the situation that I am now in and laugh maniacally to myself. The night went something as follows:
- danced
- said hi to Justin, he gave me the worlds fastest hug and dashed off, never to be seen or heard from again
- said hi to Darik... we don’t go any further than that. this night or ever.
- exchanged a small conversation with Steve
- found Brandon and proceed to have extensive conversation with him about music and life
- find myself making out with Brandon about 5 feet away from Steve

After all this a bunch of us are on our way out and I am good and ready to take Brandon home with me. As soon as we leave the bar one of Brandon’s friends starts yelling at these girls, calling them all sorts of awful things, cunts, cows, telling them, its no wonder they don’t have any guys with them, etc.
So the girls turn to me and my girlfriend, Sam, and are like, ‘what the fuck is wrong with your friend?’. We both pretty much tell her we have no idea what the kid's problem is and she can have at’em.

So picture two scantily clad drunk girls trying to attack some skinny ass white douchebag kid while they’re all screaming obscenities at each other. LOL right? Jeezuz. When the madness ends I’m with Sam, Brandon, and one of Brandon’s friends. I’m upset and giving Brandon the cold shoulder in the cab because I do not understand how he could be friends and have defended such a douche as the kid aforementioned. He spends the whollllle cab ride back trying to make up for it. When we get back to Sam’s house, I do not remember how it happened, but her and Brandon end up having a heart to heart in the downstairs living room. I sneak onto the stairs and eavesdrop and Brandon is essentially spilling how he doesn’t like the douchebag kid, but they’ve been friends since diapers and he had to stick up for him so he didn’t get into trouble.
I’m sympathetic and eventually when they come back up I’m all smiles with Brandon. Nothing else happened between us that night, probably because of a combo of reasons. Namely the fact that he was too scared to make the first move, and I passed out on a couch.

So that whollllle big story was leading up to one very easily told fact: Brandon’s going to the kegger tomorrow. There’s a whole bunch of people going to this kegger and many of them might be cute, so I’m not banking on a follow up, but it’s nice to know that the option might be available. At very least will give me something to have fun with. 8 > (evil smile?)

That’s my story for today.

p.s Steve texted me the Monday after the weekend previously described and said, ‘heyyy, what’s up? I’ve missed talking to you!

Fucking men.
Only want you when they can't have you.


Today's title brought to you by: We are Young - Fun. ft Janelle Monae

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Tell me all the things you want to do, I heard you like the bad girls, honey, is that true?

Hey world, 
been a while, but now I’ve got two hours to write (or do school work... but really?). Why do I have this allotted 2 hours, you ask? Well friends, I am currently on my way to visit a boy. I don’t know if I’ve written about this boy (pretty sure not but I do not have internet connection on the greyhound so I don’t know), his name for all intensive purposes is Jake. So Jake and I met about a year ago at a baseball home opener game. He’s friends with my friends; from Kaitlyn’s highschool party group.
He’s got dark hair and ear plugs, is your typical stoner-punk kid. Loves anarchy and everything hockey. He’s smart but not terribly interested in academics, and he can be awfully quiet. The night we met I was on some sort of upper and drunk, he saddled up next to me at our table at a bar after the game and started chatting me up. Needless to say I do not remember what about, but I do remember that it happened. The thing at that time was that there is another girl, one of Kaitlyn’s best friends, who had been hook up buddies with Jake for a while and is/was(?) quite into him. I guess she saw us talking and she decides that it would make it sufficiently awkward enough for me to walk away if she came over and sat on Jake’s lap. Success! I went to find my friends and didn’t think about it again.
Until this November I see get a fbitch update; ‘Jake likes your photo’. I was like... who?? I had completely forgotten about him. A week or so later he starts talking to me on facebook chat and as I’m really trying to remember if I know him I decide, fuck it, may as well just ask. Hah! Hopefully it didn’t bruise his ego too hard. Anyway he reminded me and the above story is all I recollect of him from the first time we met. The reason he decided to talk to me again was because he noticed I was coming to a new years party at his place.
On new years I didn’t really talk to him much of the night, he was faded and drunk as fuck and just not very talkative, so I was like, meh whatever. As the night’s coming to a close the spaces available for sleeping are noticiably limited. One of my friends ended up awkwardly curling up in an armchair. I’ve been told that someone threw a coat over her and she passed out. Several hours later when she woke up to the folks who decided sleep is for the dead, they were all very startled that a pile of jackets was moving. Hah. Anyways, to avoid suffering a similar fate I decided to accept Jake’s invite to join him.

Great. Sex.

So we had fun that night, but really didn’t spend that much time together. We exchange numbers, we text, and about a week later he comes to visit me and Ness and Kaitlyn. We had a fun night out and had an even better morning in.
** There was a brief cameo from Luke being in the booth beside us. I wouldn’t have noticed but drunk Kaitlyn and Ness were coming back from the bathroom and then all of a sudden a look of horror crosses their faces and Kaitlyn runs to the booth and body slams me to the other side of it. I’m thinking, okay clearly you have seen someone you didn’t want to. I look around and lock eyes with Luke for about half a second. Barely kept it together for 15 minutes before I made it to the bathroom to have a nice sob... sigh **

Since then he’s pretty much kept up with texting me every day (much to my surprise). So we’ve been trying to set up another chance to see each other, but our towns aren’t easy to get between without a car. We were waiting for our mutual friend group to come together which happens maybe twice every 6 months or so and his side was due for a visit.
Irony, irony, irony. The night Jake goes home to visit his family his roommates drive up to visit us. So that visit didn’t really work out. This week it’s a couple of our friends birthdays and they’re having a big celebration out in Jakes town. Originally we were all supposed to go, but it is the middle of midterms and Ness (the driver) couldn’t afford to take the time off studying.

That brings me to here. Sitting on a greyhound writing on my internet-challenged laptop. I must say folks, I’m super nervous. I was hoping that the next time I saw Jake would be with the comfort of my friends around me. Nope. Am now going to a party with a bunch of people, half of whom I don’t know, the other half of whom I’ve never hung out with without my roomies, and Jake. I’m kinda freaked out ‘cause obviously everyone is going to know exactly why I came down. Would naaat be this generous for our friends’ birthdays. As much as I do love them, not this much. Anyways I’m pretty freaked that it’s gonna be super awkward, but what cha gonna do?

I sent A a text about the situation and in the wise words of a best friend she pretty much told me, it is what you make it. Too true. I just gotta walk up in there with my confidence shining and charm them all out of any awkward, we-all-know-youre-just-here-to-hook-up-with-Jake...ness. Oh yea, also it’s a theme party, snow bunny type thing, snow pants, goggles, boarding jacket... you get the idea. Yea so they didn’t decide that until I was already en route. So yayy not only do I already stand out as the girl who came 5 hours for a booty call without her friends, but also I will be the girl in a lace bodysuit and jeans while everyone else is rocking double layer snow gear. Ohmylife.

Anyway, I hope that you could guess I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it was worth it. Jake’s cute, sweet, smart, and great in bed. I’m actually wondering where this is going, meaning it does have potential for more than just sex. So if you’re like, whyohwhy are you putting yourself through that, here’s the reason:

Me: bus driver’s a nut bag and the bus smells...but hey, I’m en route!

Jake: Lol yup most are, and awesome :) that’s the best news all week

:)

p.s just another tidbit to sweeten the whole thing, one of Jake’s roommates is a close friend of the group, who I’ve known for years. He’s a sweet guy, but a little(lot) over weight, likes to think of himself as a skilled free-style rapper... he also likes to think that I have been dying to let him get in my pants for the last few years. And he doesn’t know about me and Jake...yeaaap. I’ll let cha know how it all pans out!




This week's title brought to you by: Video Games - Lana Del Rey

Monday, 16 January 2012

and all the peoples should be raisin they glasses, flow crazy, celebratin the madness

So friends this is going to be a short post as I am currently chugging beer, waiting for Kaitlyn to get home so we can go out and rage.
Rage on a Monday night? After a grand total of 10 hours of sleep this weekend and rip roarin hangovers both Saturday and Sunday?
Well, you know what they say, when opportunity comes a knockin' you open the door up and make that bitch chug a brew.
Then you see what it wants to do tonight.

Opportunity tonight came in the form of a boy who I have mad hots for, Justin. He's got a shmexy ass owl tatty on his chest. I have a slight obsession with owls. Also he's a SICK dj. We've been friendly texting a little bit lately, mostly on my part. I didn't really actually think he was interested till he invited me to an afterparty a couple nights ago, but I was already home and blazing so I didn't make it over. Tonight he texts me at 8 asking if I'm busy tonight. Now in reality I had a date planned with Ryan, who I've mentioned in an earlier post, but honestly Ryan is awesome, but not that cute, super shy, and I'm not that into it. We were supposed to go for sushi but turned out he had to work till 8 and right before he got off I got the text from Justin. Soooo I bailed on Ryan, but we're gonna chill tomorrow.

So tonight I am off to a free show, Bassjackers are playing. If anyone else out there loves on electronic music gimme a hell yeaaaa. hellllll yeeeeee. hah sorry Im partially drunk right now. YAY LIGHTWEIGHT! So I'm so fucking pumped for my body to be bass rocked and to get some alone time with that owl. In all hopes I'll write soon about how stellar tonight is.

Lately I have actually had so many adventures and boys lately worth mentioning, but have not had time to write since I've been too busy having the adventures with boys! Hah. Not in a slutty way.... kinda. Anyways I have every intention of writing again soon and telling some shameless stories! <3


Today's title brought to you by: Mind Your Manners - Chiddy Bang